A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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