Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
