I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
