I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
