I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Randomize
