i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Randomize
