its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
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