A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
He felt like a one man threesome
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
