I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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