my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Randomize
