You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
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