I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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