Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
