Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
Randomize
