I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
