Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
