I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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