Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
