Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
