watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
