I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Randomize
