we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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