Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
It was confusing and full of hummus
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
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