When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Randomize
