3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Randomize
