Will you blow on my dice?
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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