you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
