whats a polygalesbian?
lesbian polygamists..duh.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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