You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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