went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
Come see our sink grown plant.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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