all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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