Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
