Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I believe in your delicious
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
God I need to hump something, right now.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
