When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
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