We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
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