i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
