I wish my penis had an off switch
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
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