went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
