I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
