I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Randomize
