Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
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