wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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