seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
