I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
