Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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