I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
