My Higher Power is John Stamos
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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