Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
