the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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