i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
