youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
