i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
i love accidental penises.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
