I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
