ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
